Hummmm… I can feel the cold mechanical dick of the internet-robosquid working its way deeper down my throat every day.

I used someone else’s mac to watch LOST on the internet.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  Just one more day before apple is in the red on this repair, and I’ll have to go all Tourette’s Guy on them.

Dressing up like a Mod and getting sloshed at a bourgeoisie wine bar is more fun than dicking around with an apple computer.

The first step on the road to recovery is to admit that you have a problem, right?  Look, before you applephiliacs get all out of sorts I should tell you that it hasn’t worked right from the get-go.  It crashed the first day I had it!  And don’t ask me whether it was a “black screen” or a “beachball”, I don’t give a shit.  It’s broken, and the extra $500 I spent on it instead of a PC absolves me of any responsibility for what happened or how to fix it.  ALSO, if I hear one more dipshit in Hollister jeans and puberty stubble tell me “well it shouldn’t do that, it’s and Apple”, I will follow them home and destroy everything they love.  It DID do that, idiot, saying that it “shouldn’t” doesn’t magically make it a better computer, it’s STILL FUCKING BROKEN!!!!!

…and where does all of this leave me?

This is now the third time I’ve had to enter the Den of Evil (yes, that’s a Diablo II reference), so I know that they keep their nerds in the back.  Off I went, I was on a mission, get in, drop computer off, get out… and so I did.  Now all I have to do is wait four days for them to put a new “logic board” in (for those of you don’t speak Apple, the logic board is the motherboard, just the motherboard).

Easy right?

WRONG!!!!!!!  My laptop is my music player, dvd player, window to the internet, memory, email machine, photoshop fun box, you know… all that shit, and it was just after 7:00pm, so what the hell was I going to do for the next 6-7 hours?  The saga begins:

7:15- drive to DC because I’m pretty close and I hear their prices on booze are better.

7:30- leave the liquor store with a smile

7:50- get home and take a shower

8:15- poor a glass of scotch and start practicing violin

9:32- jacob comes over, YEAY

12:00- jacob leaves, BOOOOO

12:10- read (that’s code for searching through words to find pictures)

1:15- remember that I can still plug my iPod into my speakers

1:20- listen to Mogwai till i fall asleep

Alright, one day down, three to go, I CAN DO THIS!!!

If you’re like me, you keep up on the latest theories regarding prospective FTL (faster than light) travel techniques.  If you’re not then maybe you should start.  At any rate, there are a whole slew of them out there, and according to Universe Today one of the most “promising” ones was shot down a few days ago.  BOOOOOOOO.

Basically the theory is this:

You create a space-time “bubble” inside of which both space and time are normal, but around which they are warped in such a way that the bubble can move from point A to point B faster than light can.  Since the theoretical craft would be isolated inside the bubble, it wouldn’t actually move through space-time faster than light, and thus would not violate any laws of physics.  Or so we thought.

As it turns out, apparently even if you could find a fuel with enough energy to power the drive (doubtful), the Hawking Radiation that you generate would cook anything inside craft.  Pshhhht, who didn’t see that one coming?

Now valid or not, this theoretical propulsion system is called an Alcubierre drive, named after Miguel Alcubierre who first proposed the method in 1994.  Which is funny, because I seem to remember the critically acclaimed wack-job Bob Lazar talking about he same shit in 1989.  Only he called it a “gravity drive” and said that he worked on Area 51 reverse engineering them from alien space craft.

 But wait, there’s more!  Now assuming that Bob Lazar is full of shit (which is quite possible) it would be reasonable to assume that his “gravity drive” came from the “warp drive” of, you guessed it… STAR TREK!!!!  In the year 2063, according to “The Next Generation,”  Zefram Cochrane ”created a warp bubble which he could use to move a craft into subspace and hence exceed the speed of light”.

So there you have it, the history of FTL travel in a nutshell.  It’s fun, it’s exciting, it’s hard to wrap your mind around, and at the end of the day, it’s still science fiction.  Sorry to burst your bubble (and also sorry for the horrendous pun).

So I figured I may as well use my powers for good, and start an advice column.  You ask me a question about ANYTHING and I answer it!  Just click the “(bad) advice” link to the right, under “pages”.

robot sex http://www.errordactyl.com

Some of you may have heard of this robot in Japan who fell in love with one of his intern/trainer people, barricaded her in his room, and refused to stop hugging her repeatedly until his eventual deactivation by two senior staff members.  But to be perfectly fair here, did you see the way she was dressed?  SHE WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR IT!!!

Police have released a composite sketch of the mechanical molester shown here:

kenji http://www.errordactyl.com

Anyway, you can read the original article at:

http://www.muckflash.com/?p=200

Frankly, if you look at the buzz around the internet on this one, everyone seems so preoccupied with the robot itself that they haven’t stopped to call into question the creator…

DR. TAKAHASHI- THIS IS AN INTERVENTION!!!!!!  For starters, if you’re gonna make a robot that’s designed to hug, don’t give it 220 lb. hydraulic arms, that should be a no brainer.  I mean, really?  None of your Japanese cookie-cutter brainiacs thought that was a bad idea?  Second off:

“ the effects of several months of self-iteration within the complex machine-learning code ”

SOMEONE watched The Matrix one too many times before designing his robot.  And after all that you’re gonna name him Kenji? KENJI?  You know that’s the same name as the first person to be killed by a robot in Japan right?  No bullshit!  Nice move Dr. Takahashi, way to jinx the shit out of that one.

Now, if you’re gonna be a closet robophiliac that’s cool, I mean I can definitely think up more destructive fetishes than that… BUT you have to EITHER build a love robot OR admit it to the whole world.  You can’t have it both ways, because when you fuck up the love robot and then try to bounce back by saying “I have full faith that we will one day live side by side with, and eventually love and be loved by, robots” you don’t sound optimistic, you just sound creepy.  And who the fuck is “we” anyway?  I’m not falling in love with any robot that isn’t equipped with:

1) the ability to eat paper and shit money

2) an archive of all 285 cooking Ebooks available on e-library.net

3) a RAID 0 hard disk array that’s striped but not mirrored (high performance, but if we get into a fight it’ll only take one solid blow)

4) a mute button (once again, dog and cat sounds? I want what YOU’RE smoking)

5) a bangin body like this

heidi klum http://www.errordactyl.com

Sorry Doc, you may have created a robot that loves, but you didn’t create fake boobs that feel real, so what’s the point?