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Girls are not going to wet themselves over that sparse patch of misplaced crotch hair you have growing out of your face.  Trust me.  If you’re not man enough to grow a beard, then don’t try.  Take this kid for example:

He had to pay a girl to fake interest, just so he could put the picture on the internet.  Did he not know I would berate him publicly the first chance I got?

So here’s the new golden rule of pubescent facial grooming.  If you can count the number of hairs on your face in under three hours you are not allowed to have a beard.  Shave that shit off.  Don’t feel bad though, it takes a special breed of man to truly pimp his facial hair, and even after we grow up not all of us can pull it off.  Take Pierce Brosnan for example.  Douche-tool? Yes, but indisputable manly-man none the less.  I mean, he played James Bond, that’s an automatic “in” right there.  His first name is “Pierce” for crying out loud.  Look at that suave, clean-shaven heartthrob:

ok, now look at what happens when he tries to grow a beard:

See what I’m talking about? Proof that Pierce Brosnan has, as I suspected, reverse-mustache-demasculitis.  A disorder that effects about one in every three men, and everyone under the age of 17, causing them to actually look less manly WITH facial hair than without.  And there is no shame in that, I myself suffer from reverse-mustache-demasculitis, but fear not my friends for I have discovered the cure!!!!!

The Gillette Mach 3 Turbo.  Three blades sandwiched between a convenient lubricating strip and enhanced microfibers to truly bring you “the best a man can get”.  Note the usage of the word “MAN” in their tag line, they know what’s up.

Hey, there are beard guys, and there are non-beard guys.  Just take Chuck Norris for example.  That guy was born with a beard.  Just look at his rugged, unrefined man-prowess:

or this guy:

WHAT A BEAST!!!!

Hell, that asshole from Lost managed to find some gap in the space time continuum where he had always shaved yesterday, but never shaved today:

It’s fine if you can’t grow a mustache, it’s fine if you can.  All I’m saying is that until you’re old enough to find out, pick up the razor every once and a while.

Tags: beard, bond, brosnan, chuck, facial, gillette, hair, james, lost, mach 3, mach 3 turbo, moustache, mustache, norris, pierce, pube, puberty, razor, shave

This entry was posted on Saturday, November 1st, 2008 at 4:34 pm and is filed under it's the little things that count. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.